Tron: Legacy (2010)

From the first trailers, we all knew that over 25 years of advancement in computer technology would at least allow for a Tron sequel to dramatically out-shine its predecessor in terms of visuals, and at most would give a much wider range of computer functions for the film to explore. And while Tron: Legacy sadly fails to explore these advances, from social networking to Wikipedia, the visuals are stunning. The landscape is dark, but within the boundaries of the Grid, the digital city resembles a techno-Gotham, aided by the booming and dramatic musical score. Many of the aspects of this film seem more like updates of the original, though it could be argued that the proliferation of video-gaming was the reason for scaling up the disk-battle and light-cycle scenes to spectator sports taking place in a colossal stadium. The story isn't anything ground-breaking, essentially boiling down to another rogue A.I. trying to ruin things, though with the nice twist that it is the original Kevin Flynn's creation serving as the villain, despite appearing as an incredibly unconvincingly de-aged Jeff Bridges. Sadly the film twice attempts to surprise the audience with the revelation of the identity of a masked character, and each time it comes as no surprise at all. That being said, Garrett Hedlund does well as new hero Sam, and my hope for a better female lead is fulfilled by Olivia Wilde's Quorra. Really, this is a very solid science fiction film, with great action, some of the best 3D I've seen, and a kickin' soundtrack. Great for a belated sequel.


It's right there on his frigging chest!

Tremors (1990)

Tremors gives us a fantastic example of how a B-movie should work; a simple premise, a tongue-in-cheek atmosphere, and a strong horror concept. Arguably it could be construed as a B-movie Jaws set on land, playing on the basic human fear of the unseen yet close at hand. The monsters themselves, known as Graboids, are extremely reminiscent of the Shai-Hulud from Dune, though considerably smaller. Both creatures are attracted to the sound of footsteps on the surface and rise to attack the culprit. But its not just the monsters who make Tremors so enjoyable, but also its cast of characters who manage to transcend their archetypes and become genuinely likeable. While Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward are brilliant as the average-Joe, salt-of-the-earth heroes, the heavily armed Mr. and Mrs. Gummer steal every scene they're in. The two are essential in defeating the Graboids, and go beyond the typical redneck gun-nut stereotype, being competant tacticians who keep their cool under pressure. They are the unsung heroes of this, even recognised when Burt Gummer returns for the straight-to-video sequel Tremors 3: Back to Perfection. This film has gained cult status, and deservedly so, being that it is one of the best examples of the monster B-movie ever made. Highly recommended.


Screw the giant, carnivorous worms, take me to Jurassic Park!

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

The kindest response to this film is the simple question - "Why?" This must count as one of the most unnecessary films ever made, attempting to follow the cinematic juggernaut of Terminator 2: Judgement Day without any attempt to move to the next level. The majority is just a re-tread of T2, with a couple of humans being protected from a superior robot assassin by Arnold Schwartzeneggar, all in an effort to survive and put an end to the nuclear apocalypse. Most offensive to fans is the fact that Judgement Day was not averted in T2, but rather postponed, because Judgement Day is (to use Doctor Who terminology) a fixed point in time and cannot be changed. This not only makes the events of T2 utterly futile, but tramples all over the central theme of its predecessor - "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." Apparently that's not true, as some things are just inevitable, however hard you try. That being said, that's more an issue of continuity, and while continuity is important for a movie franchise the film itself does have some decent action pieces and practical effects. As Schwartzeneggar's last leading role it doesn't measure up to his earlier action blockbusters, but the Terminator remains one of his best roles, and his performance gives a familiarity that might otherwise be lacking. Controversially, I would argue that this film isn't even the worse in the series, that honour going to Terminator Salvation, and if you ignore the thematic issues it's actually an okay action film.


I'll be back... in a surprisingly comedic cameo in The Expendables.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

It's hard to explain why this film is as enjoyable as it is. The synopsis of "Two middle-aged men imbibe enough illegal chemicals to kill a herd of elephants while failing to complete a single journalistic assignment" hardly inspires confidence that this is anything worth watching, but this film is about the experience. The narration and dialogue is endlessly quotable, as one would expect from an adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson's work, and the cinematography artfully portrays a world that isn't entirely stable. The camera will sway and strange angles make the viewer feel slightly unbalanced, as if what you're seeing on-screen is just another level of drug-addled insanity. Both Johnny Depp and Benicio del Toro play against type as two men who seem to be tottering on the edge of self-control, and both are magnificent, delivering some of the oddest dialogue ever written with absolute conviction. The rest of the cast is surprisingly star-studded, featuring Christina Ricci, Gary Busey, Cameron Diaz and Tobey Maguire in very short roles. But when you have an ex-Python at the helm, and two multi-award-winning actors in the lead roles, you can get away with that kind of thing. The best way to appreciate this film is simply to watch it, and let yourself get swept along for the ride.


He's nice enough, as long as you tell him about the f**king golf shoes.

Daikaijū Gamera / Gamera (1965)

There are few things more glorious in this world than the epic and cheesy wonder of a decades-old rubber monster movie. They're a mire of cliches, ridiculous acting and wanton destruction, but for those not looking for high art the escapism and entertainment value is all there, wrapped up in a neat, grainy and subtitled package. Gamera is a Godzilla knock-off born-and-bred, outright stealing certain set pieces. Godzilla isn't the only thing that Gamera steals from, however, as the awakening of the monster is remarkably similar to the awakening of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, with a nuke going off in the Arctic Circle. But berating this film too harshly is unfair, as it does offer a cool-looking monster, and some dark and grim cinematography, helped by the low quality black and white film. And the most defining point is the first instance of the pivotal child character, laying the foundations for Gamera's later identity as "Friend of All Children", with a small sympathetic scene where he rescues the little boy Toshio. This distinguishes Gamera from almost every other giant monster as, while there are some consistently heroic monsters like Mothra, Gamera has a specific rule of operation, a line he won't cross even in the most dire situations. For a first outing, Gamera establishes some key themes of later Gamera films, and for better or worse led into the second biggest kaiju franchise in history, with some utter turkeys and some instant classics.


Friend to all children. With added gigantic tusks!

The Wicker Man (2006)

This is one of the funnier films I've seen in some time, and it certainly wasn't meant to be. This remake of the chilling 1973 psychological horror is lacking in all suspense, fear and drama, and Nicolas Cage's maniacal performance is at his high-goofy best. Who could fail to be entertained as he rampages around the island breaking into people houses, dons a bear suit to slug a woman in the face or express his dismay at "THE BEES!"? The cultist antagonists of the original are replaced by a group of straw feminists who worship nature for no readily available reason. And the bee motif never sat right with me - it's not terrible, but it's superfluous and adds nothing to the film. The original got by with just simple cultists. The original had strong themes of the power of faith, being turned to both good and evil, and showed a man's virtues of Christianity and virginity being turned against him in the worst possible way. Surely the islander's faith is much stronger than Sgt. Howie's, yet this is a terrible thing to happen. On the other hand, Nic Cage's character Malus is killed merely because he has a connection to the island but didn't live there. Then why not use the pilot? He brought them food (connection) and lived away from the island. It removes the best aspect of the original, and fills it with nothing worth commenting on. Nicolas Cage is the sole saving grace, and even his insanity can't elevate this above "sub-par".


Need I say more?

Postal (2007)

This is cinematic hell. A film so bad that while it's actually trying to be offensive and edgy, it ends up being offensive to the senses as it trundles through pointless scenes and crude visual toxic waste. Right from the off, with an unfunny joke about 9/11, Postal manages to plummet even further into the depths of anti-entertainment. The sole, shining highlight is a scene in which director Uwe Boll, playing himself as a Nazi-sympathising paedophile, is shot in the genitals. Even the smallest fake punishment for creating this abomination gives me enormous satisfaction. But otherwise, it's just a constant stream of racism, graphic violence, shock deaths of children, pointless drug references and terrible C.G.I. that pleads with the viewer to laugh, and the viewer is forced into a stern and Dickensian contempt, regarding the pathetic creature before him. There really aren't enough vile and contemptuous words I can use to describe this thing, it's worse than any other Uwe Boll film I've seen. The poster claims it's a "live action South Park", which is such a wrong sentence it almost pains me. South Park, while vulgar, tries to say something about the world, and uses shock humour in such a way as to make a statement, to comment on some social debate, or just to make people laugh. Postal fails at all three, and in fact causes the viewer to doubt the existence of belief in anything, society at large, or even simple laughter.


Just die already...

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

Out of all of the (somewhat) obscure swords-'n'-sorcery classics, Hawk the Slayer is perhaps the most beloved. For me, this was a very enjoyable romp through a simple but effective story, perhaps not quite living up to the hype, but engaging enough in any case. Particularly good is the score, which combines the expected orchestral and epic tunes with 80's techno to create a fusion that sounds unbelievably over the top and impressive, especially during the scenes of Hawk riding his horse in slow motion in no particular direction. Of course, being the 80's, there are some aspects of truly momentous silliness, usually when the blind sorceress turns up with her magical silly string, and snow machine. The story is a classic story of vengeance, and follows a fairly expected path, although my theory for why it has endured as a fan favourite is the open-ended nature of the finale, in which Voltan's body is carried off by a mysterious and actually rather terrifying demonic entity, and Hawk and Gort ride off south to meet up with a gathering of wizards. This had the potential for a great sequel (and one was planned to be Hawk the Hunter, but never materialised), and so speculation among nerds has been rife. And as we all know, speculation among nerds is both serious business and an industrious past-time. Either way Hawk the Slayer is definitely worth a watch, even today.


Even the DVD cover has epic silliness!

The Infidel (2010)

Carving itself out a niche between the incredibly offensive (and utterly genius) Four Lions and the fond and gentle mocking of Dogma, The Infidel is the story of admittedly moderate Muslim Mahmud, who discovers upon his mothers death that he is adopted, and was really born a Jew by the name of Solly Shimshillewitz. This, naturally, sends him into an existential crisis, as he struggles with both his new-found roots and his sons betrothal to the step-daughter of a radical Muslim cleric, Arshad Al-Masri. So, Mahmud is forced to spend his time sneaking around behind his family's back, learning to be both a better Jew (so as to see his ailing birth father Izzy) and a better Muslim (to impress Al-Masri), leading to the inevitable climactic moment where his heritage comes out and those around him abandon him, shamed by his birth-parents or hurt by his secrecy. Of course, Mahmud triumphs over the sinister Al-Masri in the end, and learns to accept himself as he is, a Jew-by-birth, a Muslim-by-belief, and just another normal husband and father. Omid Djalili is really what holds this film together, as he plays both the comedy and pathos with perfect flair, truly making the audience sympathise with Mahmud's plight. My only real criticism of the movie is an extremely contrived and ridiculous resolution to the problem of Al-Masri's opposition to the marriage of Mahmud's son to his step-daughter. Suffice it to say that Mahmud either winning him over or shaming him with heart-felt words and simple decency would have been infinitely preferable. This may seem like a minimal criticism, but it's enough to sadly knock this film out of the "must-see" category, and into the "recommended", which is no bad thing. It's just disappointing. "Recommended" it is, a heart-warming and funny way to waste an afternoon.


Wait... So Benjamin Disraeli was really a Muslim?

The Happening (2008)

Rarely have I seen a horror film with a more idiotic premise and pitiable execution than The Happening. M. Night Shyamalan, once a master of the brilliant twist ending has in recent years been reduced to plagiarising H.G. Wells and writing this kind of ill-informed... well, near-propaganda. Within this film, science is attacked as only being able to offer facile "theories" rather than any kind of real knowledge, nature is exalted as "not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose", and the environmental message is as subtle as a brick to the face. Myriad shots of plants are shown with what is practically the theme from Jaws playing in the background. But, that's not to say that the film is without any redeeming factors, however unintentional. Many of the "shocking" death scenes are laughable, and it's quite near the line of "so bad it's good"... but not close enough. However funny it is to see a group of people try to outrun the wind or Mark Wahlberg negotiating with a plant, it's just not good enough. Really, the premise is so painful that it ruins any possible enjoyment - a chemical has been released into the air that removes people's sense of self-preservation. Fair enough. And I can understand how this would result in people falling from tall buildings, simply through a lack of care and wandering dauntlessly over the edge. But how exactly does that translate to suicide by gun, garotte or hair-pin? There's a chasm of difference between "lacks self-preservation" and "lacks ability to not stab oneself in the neck", and this movie plummets as it tries to surmount this broad gap.


I will murder your family!

Pulgasari (1985)

It's a known fact that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is, among other things, a tremendous film fanatic. So much so that in 1978, he charged the DPRK intelligence services with kidnapping the critically-acclaimed South Korean director Shin Sang-ok so that he could create films especially for Kim. Thankfully, Shin was able to escape his captors while in Vienna on business and sought asylum in the United States, but not before he directed seven films in North Korea, the best-known of which is the Godzilla knock-off, Pulgasari. It won't surprise you to learn that this is essentially a propaganda vehicle for the Kim family (made, as it was, when Kim Il-sung was still in power), showing the struggle of the working masses, starved by a parasitic and tyrannical ruling elite and forced to use all of their limited resources to make weapons. Now, I know what you're thinking - "That sounds familiar... Almost like it could apply almost perfectly to the Kims..." - and you'd be right. As a piece of propaganda, this film is so perfectly tailored to denounce the evils and idiocies of the Kims that you could almost be forgiven for thinking that Kim Jong-il might have been a secret dissident in his younger days. But, alas, no. It's merely ineptitude. But now someone is here to save them; the enormous iron-eating monster Pulgasari, created by a dying blacksmith out of a ball of rice. Question: why in the world would he create a monster that eats a substance that he knows very well is scarce? But never mind, eventually Pulgasari destroys the evil rulers and wins the day for the proletariat. But his incredible appetite for iron means that he too must be destroyed for the people to have their true freedom. Again, sounds a touch like the Kims, "freeing" the people, who then realise that their supposed emancipator is, in fact, just another greedy menace to their survival. A consummate failure of propaganda, and just another in the long line of proofs that Kim Jong-il isn't just losing his grip on reality, he never had much in the first place. Special dishonour to Toho for assisting with the special effects, although Kenpachiro Satsuma (the man in the Godzilla suit from 1984 and 1995, and Pulgasari himself) gets a pass for noting that he found Pulgasari more entertaining that the American Godzilla remake.


I expect a midnight visit very soon...

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

It's been a sad week for film fans, with the loss of comedy legend Leslie Nielsen at the tender age of 84. No-one can deny that Nielsen's performances in classics like Airplane! and The Naked Gun were utterly inspired and remain a benchmark of comedy up to this day. But there was another great loss this week; the man who directed what many consider (myself very much included) to be the best instalment in the Star Wars saga, The Empire Strikes Back, the late, great Irvin Kershner. So in his memory, I took another look back over Star Wars Episode V, and even after having seen it (at least) dozens of times, I can report that it remains one of the best examples of the genre, and a worthy sequel to its blockbuster predecessor. With established characters, Empire is able to continue the story and build on the foundations to show Luke's progression from a rather whiny backwater farm-boy to hero of the rebellion and Jedi-in-training, Han continuing his role as reluctant hero and space cowboy, and Vader manages to become even more sinister and begins to earn his reputation as one of the most iconic villains in cinema. It's certainly not without flaw - why would the rebels try to escape a planet by flying directly at the attacking fleet? - but both the characters and story buoy it up to the point where these are easily forgiveable. Irvin Kershner's meisterwerk deserves a place in any movie-lover's collection.


R.I.P. Irvin Kershner - 29 April 1923 - 27 November 2010

Tron (1982)

In light of the imminent release of the long-awaited sequel, I decided to take a look back at one of the most iconic science fiction movies of the 1980s, Disney's Tron. Despite reputation, only around twenty minutes of this movie are actual computer-generated images, with the rest merely being extremely convincing traditional animation, combined to create the eye-catching and instantly recognisable style of the computer world of flat grey and bright, colourful lines. Every character (with the possible exception of Yori) is interesting to watch, whether it's the stoic Tron, the unlikely hero Flynn, or the surprisingly sympathetic villain Sark, pressed into service of Skynet's wireframe precursor, the M.C.P. The elements of faith are quite clever, with the M.C.P. looking to establish his absolute digital control by asserting the non-existence of the world outside the computer system, and denouncing anyone who still believes in the "users" as a religious zealot. Seeing the trailer for the upcoming Tron: Legacy, I was taken aback at the massive scale and epic locations on display, but going back to the original, the locales are really no less spectacular (considering the time). Hopefully the sequel can surpass the original in more than just special effects. And hopefully the passage of nearly thirty years of social progress can render a greater gender equality for the new film, and have a female character who doesn't just fill the role of "arbitrary female character".


We can only hope...

C.S.A. Confederate States of America (2004)

I must confess to being a huge fan of the genre of alternative history, though, I hasten to add, not in the rose-tinted and reality denying vein of D.W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation. However this film could almost be seen as a spiritual successor to Griffith's film, nearly a century on, this time played for satire rather than an attempt to misrepresent history. Really, it's very well written and acted mockumentary, creating a fairly plausible world in which a combination of American isolationism and saturation of the culture with propaganda have allowed people to still accept slavery as a norm. Few would argue that the America we see is a massive regression from the America of our experience, warts and all; alliance with Hitler, a pre-emptive attack on the Japanese, imperial expansionism into South America and, of course, the mostly uncontested continuation of slavery up until the present day. Sadly the historical narrative is marred by a few glaring flaws, not least the lack of mention of the U.S.S.R. (and no mention of why it would fail to emerge) resulting in a Cold War with abolitionist Canada instead, and no explanation as to how Britain would have survived a World War II with no American assistance. That being said, overall this is an extremely enjoyable film, really only marred by problems of structure rather than content. The mockumentary is broken up by spoof commercial breaks for various products, mostly real products from before the 1950s, featuring some of the hammiest and least credible (even for advertisements) performances I have ever witnessed, including the worst not-Martha Stewart in human history. It breaks the flow of the narrative and is a black mark on what is otherwise a very compelling and engaging movie.


And they still found time to fake the moon landings!

Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Never before has a mere PG-13 film ever succeeded in insulting a wider range of people. Any Christian who doesn't believe in the Rapture will see their beliefs proved conclusively wrong; anyone of any other faith will be consigned to irrelevance, unless they're one of those useful, prophecy-fulfilling Jews; humanists will lament as every single person mopes around in utter uselessness, or proves ineffective without the truth of scripture; the nations of the world will look on as events are dictated to them by the U.N., or they are said to make idiotic political decisions merely to advance the plot (apparently South Korea adopts the Euro!); movie-goers will be treated to the most boring and underwhelming apocalyptic scenario ever committed to film, poor acting, and plot elements thrown at a wall, just to see what sticks; and finally, any decent person will see those like them (as I can't see a thing wrong with most of the main cast, bar the cheating husband) have their lives destroyed on what is, at heart, a minor misdemeanour. Surprisingly, I didn't hate Kirk Cameron as much as I thought I might, but he still only shines out from the lacklustre performances of the rest of the cast. In an attempt to find something positive about the film, I'll admit that their Antichrist is fairly sinister, although it is somewhat unusual to see a skinnier version of Daniel Craig's Bond performing Jedi mind-tricks on U.N. delegates. And as a kicker, this film has one of the most repellant "broken Aesops" I have ever seen; when faced with an evil beyond imagination, that threatens the entire world, immediately stop fighting and trust to faith that somehow things will be alright. I'm not trying to belittle faith, but surely some kind of action is called for? Faith seems like more of a last resort, when all else has failed. They don't ever try fighting back against the Big Bad. No, we petty humans are just to lie down and hope that something comes along to save us. But then, what else is to be expected from evangelical Christian science fiction? Well worth avoiding.


The Rapture: Whites Only (Evidently...)

Gojira tai Megagirasu Jī Shōmetsu Sakusen / Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)

This is probably the least assuming of the Millennium-era Godzilla films (with the possible exception of Godzilla 2000), given that it stands alongside the a Mechagodzilla double-bill, a return to the terrifyingly malevolent Godzilla of 1954, and a 50th Anniversary daikaiju extravaganza. Sadly, it never really finds its feet, and, in my humble opinion, stands as the weakest of the Millennium-era. Alternatively titled Godzilla vs. Physics, the enemy this time around is Megaguirus, an enormous prehistoric dragonfly, and the deus ex machina weapon designed by the ridiculously named anti-Godzilla force, the G-Graspers, the Dimension Tide, an orbital cannon that fires miniaturised black holes. I'm willing to accept that monsters can exist despite simple gravity being a risk to their organs, that the Absolute Zero Cannon could cool something until its molecules stop moving, or that electrocution can impart Magneto-like powers of magnetism, but this is a bridge too far. Black holes are not controllable, and, by simple merit of existing, only get bigger as they consume more. And this isn't the end of the science blunders, as evidenced by the apparently stable wormhole which is created then never mentioned again, a high frequency sound coming from a few hundred metres above the ground affecting an orbiting satellite and one egg becoming hundreds with exactly no explanation. While I like the idea of a swarm of monsters, and also like the design of the demonic Megaguirus, the execution is terrible, with a boring monster battle and a strange attempt to do a bug's-eye-view by cutting frames. It just looks like the DVD is skipping. While it has some good points, these aren't enough to overshadow the negative, and the viewer's suspension of disbelief, already stretched by the premise of any monster movie, is over-extended to the point where it just collapses.


Black holes do not work that way! Goodnight!

The Italian Job (2003)

As remakes go, The Italian Job isn't a patch on the original classic of British cool. Mark Wahlberg is a fine actor, but he's no Michael Caine, and the majority of the tale doesn't even take place in Italy, making it as much a disappointment as it is a misnomer. But, at risk of appearing as an apologist for this film, if you discount its connection to the classic, and all the expectations attack to this, this is actually a fairly solid, well-acted and exciting heist movie. It's a tad convoluted, but the cast gel well together and the climactic car chase, while it does pale in comparison to the original once more, it fast-paced and tense. It was a nigh-impossible task to make this a satisfying successor to the original, and it would have been alot easier to just make a modern heist movie based around cars. But, that might have only solicited cries of "rip off!" from the viewing audience, so perhaps this project was just doomed from the start. I will admit its many flaws, though, as Edward Norton is a whiny and completely unthreatening villain, the name is a total lie, and Jason Statham doesn't perform any ridiculous but thoroughly awesome superhuman acts after snorting cocaine/giving himself a massive electric shock. My biggest compliment to this film is a rather back-handed one; it gave rise to one of the better driving games for the Nintendo Gamecube. Indeed, it had a more honest title, adding the subtitle "L.A. Heist". It's a truism that movie tie-in games are terrible, so when your tie-in game is better than your movie, you've somewhat failed as a film-maker. Especially when you go on to direct Be Cool and Law-Abiding Citizen.


You have incurred the displeasure of the Caine...

Yonggari / Yonggary (2001)

Rather oddly, the impetus for this remake of the 1961 South Korean monster movie of the same name was the critically-panned 1998 Roland Emmerich reimagining of Godzilla. The English-speaking cast and American setting were presumably to cater to the massive numbers of masochistic monster movie fans, wondering where they would get their next fix now that Hollywood's Godzilla 2: Electric Boogaloo had crashed and burned. That being said, however, if one is willing to overlook the awful CGI and sub-par acting, this has moments that are better than Godzilla '98, especially in the climactic monster fight and the practical effects used in the city destruction scenes. But to say that this is a good movie would be a complete lie; indeed, the version I watched was the 2001 re-release, made not because the original 1999 version was so well-received, but necessary because the original made so little sense that they had to add scenes, including an archaeological dig only mentioned in the original, and an entirely new character representing a cliche "Above Top Secret" government organisation to be the mildly antagonistic human. Throw in a dash of plastic aliens with incomprehensible voices, a weather system that seems to exclusively feature rainless thunder and lightning, and no actor you've ever heard of, and you get Yonggary, a sub-par monster movie, and my own pet theory for why South Korea eventually produced an exemplary monster movie, The Host, in penance.


If George Lucas remade Jurassic Park...

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes (2010)

If you've ever wanted to see a poorly done amalgamation of Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Jurassic Park, Reign of Fire and Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes with awful music and terrible acting across the board, congratulations, you have an undiagnosed mental illness. In fairness, it's only to be expected from fail-merchants at The Asylum and their forays into knockoffsploitation. This has to count among the most painful cinematic experiences I have ever had, outclassing the incredibly boring, the laughably absurd and the painfully drawn-out. It's rare I have to pause a film in order to have a bit of a facepalm and perhaps a bit of a cry. Modern inventions quantum-leap to the 1880s, recognisable actors embarrass themselves (Ianto from Torchwood and Reed from Enterprise make their old shows, flawed as they were, look like veritable masterpieces), and incredibly lazy camera work has modern road markings and "For Sale" signs lining the smoggy streets of Ol' London Town. Thankfully this film only clocks in at 84 minutes, but manages to squeeze every second full of inanity, inaccuracy and sheer incompetance.


Sweet! A house for sale with nearby, clearly-marked parking!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010)

As the first part of a film acting as a capstone to nearly ten years of films and over thirteen years of books which have become one of the most pervasive and important fictional phenomena in recent memory, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 has a great deal to live up to. I'm pleased to report that it does indeed live up to expectations, trimming very little from the book and keeping the same dark and epic visual style as the previous films helmed by David Yates. It could be noted that the plot seems to meander and has little direction beyond some vague instructions, but this only serves to highlight how lost the protagonists are, alone and relatively powerless in an extremely hostile and threatening environment. The acting is very strong throughout, especially with the special emphasis on the main three, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint, who spend most of the film alone and at the fore. The film has very little in the way of comedy beyond the first half hour, but this is only a very small criticism, and the atmosphere wouldn't lend itself to much comic relief in any case. Of course the conclusion is right in the middle of the drama, which is somewhat frustrating, but does everything to whet the appetite for next years' Part 2, which promises to surpass the first. Indeed, this is to be hoped, as Deathly Hallows Part 1 is the strongest entry in the series, and takes full advantage of its extended running time.


And Dobby joins the ranks of the supreme badasses of all time.

Mekagojira no Gyakushū / Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)

As a follow up to the bloated, but otherwise quite strong Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, this film is sadly sorely lacking. The character for whom the franchise is named doesn't appear until the 46th minute, disappears within another minute, and finally returns just after the hour mark. As for the titular automaton, he declines to even power up until the film hits 55 minutes; all this, it should be remembered, in a 78-minute film! But not all is negative, as the (albeit too short) monster fights are well done, with the fights between Godzilla and Titanosaurus being alot more physical than is usually seen, probably due to Titanosaurus' lack of a beam weapon. This is to the films credit, and the makes a pleasant change from exchanging volleys of fire. That being said, Godzilla seems to forget about his deus-ex-atomic-ray for the most part. After Mechagodzilla's masterful battle with both Godzilla and King Caesar, it's a shame to see him teamed up with another monster. He just lacks the threat he had in the last film, though this isn't to say that Titanosaurus is a bad addition to the roster. It's a shame he's remained underutilised, as I really like his design and more natural origins. But, after all is said and done, the action comes far too late in the film, and the characters have too little depth to maintain interest for the vast majority in which they take a front row seat. Sadly, I understand that the original ending was cut from the American version (which I watched), which would actually have gone some way to fleshing out the characters and not having them seem like filler. Something of a disappointment, and not really worth its position as the end of the Showa (first) series of Godzilla films.


That's for All Monsters Attack, a-hole!

W. (2008)

I have to commend Oliver Stone on his third presidential biopic, he has kept the entire film tremendously fair and balanced, portraying one of the most recognisable figures of modern times in an unconventional light. For some, George W. Bush was just a "misunderestimated" guy in an impossible situation, for others, he ranks alongside Hitler and the same dictator he toppled, Saddam Hussein, in history's long list of monsters, guilty of waging a bloody war under false pretences. Stone doesn't take up either side, but rather presents us with a human being invested with the authority of the world's only superpower, a past of boozing and failure, a powerful religious belief and a pathological love of freedom. This is a Bush who is no fool, but isn't of the intellectual character to lead, often out-pointed and dazed by his advisers throwing numbers and impenetrable euphemisms his way and expecting a response. This is not to say that blame is removed from Bush, though both Richard Dreyfuss' Dick Cheney and Scott Glenn's Donald Rumsfeld are suitably slimy and diabolical. Josh Brolin's Bush, however, seems more like a man with intentions that outpace his ability, and his decisions are rarely motivated by anything inherently negative, the awful consequences stemming from misinformation or his incredible lack of foresight. Special mention to the lone voice of reason in the script, Jeffrey Wright as Colin Powell, who serves to balance Bush's cabinet and avoid turning them into a real-life SPECTRE. If I had to criticise, I would note the somewhat excessive Jack Daniels and Dr Pepper product placement, and Thandie Newton's incredibly nasal Condoleezza Rice. A thoroughly fair and watchable charting of the Bush years, and probably the fairest hearing that George W. Bush will ever enjoy.


"I know that the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - George W. Bush

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

The first thing to strike me about the genitor of the modern zombie movie is the fantastically melodramatic music. The visuals and audio are as grainy as you like, but you can cut the atmosphere with a knife and every one of the characters shows the undeniable marks of a zombie movie archetype. It's the classic structure, beginning from our lone female protagonist who finds a place of sanctuary, is joined by a small group of fellow survivors, and they attempt to find a more permanent place of safety. But, inevitably, there is the pivotal moment of any zombie film, the point at which someone does something incredibly stupid and the whole situation breaks down into chaos. In any other situation I would call this film derivative, but being the first of its kind allows for certain liberties, and if you go into it with the right mindset, this will be as chilling now as it was in the 60s. The only real mis-step of the entire film is the death of the young couple Tom and Judy in a typical "explosive properties of petroleum" movie misconception. Besides that, it still stands up as a claustrophobic and emotive horror film forty years on, and gave rise to a genre that, despite many failures, still enthrals viewers up to the present day.


Co-starring S. William Hinzman as the most lucid-looking zombie in movie history.

Wakusei Daikaijû Negadon / Negadon: The Monster From Mars (2005)

Technically this isn't a movie, but technically I'm not a real critic, so let's have a look-see anyway. A featurette that I first caught on the Sci-Fi Channel, Negadon performs the nifty trick of cramming almost every conceivable kaiju movie cliché into a neat little 22-minute package. We have an evil monster from outer space who shoots energy beams, a badass giant robot armed with rockets and a drill, a protagonist with a tragic past who also happens to be a brilliant scientist whose invention holds the key to our survival, every box is checked. They even find time to squeeze in a little "When will humanity learn?!" pathos. Although, I especially liked the break with tradition where the military shows itself not to be entirely ineffectual in the battle again giant monsters. The computer-generated visuals are designed specifically to envoke the golden age of tokusatsu films, with a slightly grainy look. A fitting little tribute, but given its resemblance to many films that went before, it's probably a good thing that it doesn't outstay its welcome.



No robot is complete without a B.F.D.

Chīsaki Yūsha Tachi ~Gamera~ / Gamera the Brave (2006)

The most notable thing about the 12th outing of Japan's second favourite giant reptile is the truly staggering tonal shift between the classic, Disney-style "one boy and his magical pet" story, and the brutal and bloody violence of the monster fights, as the Gamera franchise is known for. Despite suffering the usual fairly slow pacing of the monster movie, the acting of the young protagonists is engaging enough to keep interest, and the special effects on the young Toto are silly enough to entertain us while we wait for the men in rubber suits to start beating each other into a pulp. The big bad Zedus is suitably evil-looking, appearing rather like a Rastafarian Gorosaurus, and provides an ideal challenge for this franchise reboot. And the main Chelonian himself, Gamera is entirely believable as the valiant underdog, and equally impressive when he finally achieves full power and opens up a can on the hapless villain. And I, for one, will sleep far more soundly tonight knowing that there is an underground network of endurance-running Japanese children keeping us safe from evil.


Toto's about to cook a fool.