Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

If you attempted to make Independence Day in the real world, as opposed to whatever over-compensating, disaster-prone reality that Roland Emmerich inhabits, it might look a little something like this. However, this threatens to rob the film of the greatest advantages of Independence Day, namely the spectacular special effects shots. While Battle: LA is not devoid of special effects, they are more akin to District 9, opting for more gritty realism. However, effects aside, if there is a word to describe this film, it is simply "safe". Not a single original risk is taken with this production; it is a supremely cliched alien invasion story populated entirely by the stock marines we have come to expect. We have our unambiguously evil alien invaders. They have superior, if not insurmountable, technological capabilities. Their objective is the theft of our natural resources, in this case our water. As for the marines, Handsome-Leading-Man, Out-Of-His-Depth-Young-C.O., Ethnic Minorities #1, #2 and #3, Rookie, Cocky-Guy, and Michelle Rodriguez (who is, in herself, a stereotype). The unoriginality is the main obstacle to be overcome, as if you just want a basic, no-frills action film about an alien invasion, this will do. Those who would prefer something they haven't seen dozens of times before are going to be sorely disappointed. If you've seen a few movies in your time, then there are no prizes for guessing every plot-twist, as they're sign-posted from miles away. Add a dash of uninspiring design on both the aliens and their technology, and the finished product is a film that will likely entertained as you're watching it, but which quickly becomes more disappointing the more it is contemplated. If you want realistic aliens, stick with District 9 or the original Day The Earth Stood Still; if you don't, you can't go wrong with Mars Attacks or Emmerich's Mac-vulnerable extraterrestrials.

Would marines have even been necessary if these guys made up the welcome wagon?

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

I remember that when this film came out, it was the first time I looked at a Disney film and saw something that seemed a far-cry from the sugar-coated productions we are used to from the House of Mouse. Of course, this is rather foolish in that it ignores the staggering body count found in most of the animated Disney films, but here was a movie that a teenage boy could claim to attend and enjoy without the same embarrassment as admitting that Mufasa's death is one of the most formative and traumatic experiences of your life. But Pirates was and is a gem in this category, nothing particularly spectacular, but immensely enjoyable, suitable for kids with the sanitised pirate hordes, and featuring the indefatigable Jack Sparrow before he was diminished by being written as Jack Sparrow rather than a true character. The score is memorable, the humour is dark and rather adult in places, and the scenery is pretty stunning, particularly the Caribbean imperial outpost Port Royal. Seemingly endless sequels have caused the series to pall considerably, but the original is still extremely watchable, reminding us that far more important to piracy than the plundering, burning, maiming, murdering, and whoring is the freedom that comes from the open ocean. At least that is what Disney would like us all to think.

A large part of me hopes that Michael Bolton attended his own "piracy" court date dressed like this...