Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes (2010)

If you've ever wanted to see a poorly done amalgamation of Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Jurassic Park, Reign of Fire and Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes with awful music and terrible acting across the board, congratulations, you have an undiagnosed mental illness. In fairness, it's only to be expected from fail-merchants at The Asylum and their forays into knockoffsploitation. This has to count among the most painful cinematic experiences I have ever had, outclassing the incredibly boring, the laughably absurd and the painfully drawn-out. It's rare I have to pause a film in order to have a bit of a facepalm and perhaps a bit of a cry. Modern inventions quantum-leap to the 1880s, recognisable actors embarrass themselves (Ianto from Torchwood and Reed from Enterprise make their old shows, flawed as they were, look like veritable masterpieces), and incredibly lazy camera work has modern road markings and "For Sale" signs lining the smoggy streets of Ol' London Town. Thankfully this film only clocks in at 84 minutes, but manages to squeeze every second full of inanity, inaccuracy and sheer incompetance.


Sweet! A house for sale with nearby, clearly-marked parking!