Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)

We're back for round two, another sojourn into eschatological entertainment. A week has passed since the Rapture and planet Earth is quickly succumbing to the evils of world peace and a single world currency. But fouler things are afoot, as the Daniel-Craigian, almost-Russian baddie Nicolae plans to have himself be declared the Messiah and thereby unite the world under the banner of a single humanist religion. But that's not important, since this film is more about evangelism than entertainment. In fact, almost every single characteristic of right-wing Christian ministry is present - Jews for Jesus (Rabbi Ben Judah finally accepts Jesus as the Messiah on behalf of his entire religion); the fatuous Good Person Test (in which one single act of lying or petty theft is enough to brand you as an unforgivable liar or thief for life); indeed the main characters seem to be one transparent metaphor for evangelical ministry. The titular Tribulation Force (a title far too grand for this tiny band) are basically missionaries; charged with spreading an impossible-sounding story to the world, and determined to do so, no matter how hopeless. Likely using their Good Person Test, which two out of four main characters would fail miserably, having spent the better part of the film lying through their teeth. That isn't to say that there aren't some good parts - a suicidal side-character gives the perfect answer to the G.P.T. - "Have you ever lied?" "Yes." "What does that make you?" "Human." But these are in a minority. Having run out of fundamentalist Christian cliches, the film even throws in a rom-com style "silly misunderstanding" that wastes around ten minutes. Even the rest of the film is a self-confessed waste, as the characters early state that biblical prophecy cannot be averted, and then spend ninety minutes trying to do so. Admittedly, this is an improvement on the original, much in the same way that chemotherapy is an improvement on cancer.


Despite pacifist and atheist leanings, this is what a Tribulation Force should be made up of!

Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Never before has a mere PG-13 film ever succeeded in insulting a wider range of people. Any Christian who doesn't believe in the Rapture will see their beliefs proved conclusively wrong; anyone of any other faith will be consigned to irrelevance, unless they're one of those useful, prophecy-fulfilling Jews; humanists will lament as every single person mopes around in utter uselessness, or proves ineffective without the truth of scripture; the nations of the world will look on as events are dictated to them by the U.N., or they are said to make idiotic political decisions merely to advance the plot (apparently South Korea adopts the Euro!); movie-goers will be treated to the most boring and underwhelming apocalyptic scenario ever committed to film, poor acting, and plot elements thrown at a wall, just to see what sticks; and finally, any decent person will see those like them (as I can't see a thing wrong with most of the main cast, bar the cheating husband) have their lives destroyed on what is, at heart, a minor misdemeanour. Surprisingly, I didn't hate Kirk Cameron as much as I thought I might, but he still only shines out from the lacklustre performances of the rest of the cast. In an attempt to find something positive about the film, I'll admit that their Antichrist is fairly sinister, although it is somewhat unusual to see a skinnier version of Daniel Craig's Bond performing Jedi mind-tricks on U.N. delegates. And as a kicker, this film has one of the most repellant "broken Aesops" I have ever seen; when faced with an evil beyond imagination, that threatens the entire world, immediately stop fighting and trust to faith that somehow things will be alright. I'm not trying to belittle faith, but surely some kind of action is called for? Faith seems like more of a last resort, when all else has failed. They don't ever try fighting back against the Big Bad. No, we petty humans are just to lie down and hope that something comes along to save us. But then, what else is to be expected from evangelical Christian science fiction? Well worth avoiding.


The Rapture: Whites Only (Evidently...)