Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Never before has a mere PG-13 film ever succeeded in insulting a wider range of people. Any Christian who doesn't believe in the Rapture will see their beliefs proved conclusively wrong; anyone of any other faith will be consigned to irrelevance, unless they're one of those useful, prophecy-fulfilling Jews; humanists will lament as every single person mopes around in utter uselessness, or proves ineffective without the truth of scripture; the nations of the world will look on as events are dictated to them by the U.N., or they are said to make idiotic political decisions merely to advance the plot (apparently South Korea adopts the Euro!); movie-goers will be treated to the most boring and underwhelming apocalyptic scenario ever committed to film, poor acting, and plot elements thrown at a wall, just to see what sticks; and finally, any decent person will see those like them (as I can't see a thing wrong with most of the main cast, bar the cheating husband) have their lives destroyed on what is, at heart, a minor misdemeanour. Surprisingly, I didn't hate Kirk Cameron as much as I thought I might, but he still only shines out from the lacklustre performances of the rest of the cast. In an attempt to find something positive about the film, I'll admit that their Antichrist is fairly sinister, although it is somewhat unusual to see a skinnier version of Daniel Craig's Bond performing Jedi mind-tricks on U.N. delegates. And as a kicker, this film has one of the most repellant "broken Aesops" I have ever seen; when faced with an evil beyond imagination, that threatens the entire world, immediately stop fighting and trust to faith that somehow things will be alright. I'm not trying to belittle faith, but surely some kind of action is called for? Faith seems like more of a last resort, when all else has failed. They don't ever try fighting back against the Big Bad. No, we petty humans are just to lie down and hope that something comes along to save us. But then, what else is to be expected from evangelical Christian science fiction? Well worth avoiding.


The Rapture: Whites Only (Evidently...)

Gojira tai Megagirasu Jī Shōmetsu Sakusen / Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)

This is probably the least assuming of the Millennium-era Godzilla films (with the possible exception of Godzilla 2000), given that it stands alongside the a Mechagodzilla double-bill, a return to the terrifyingly malevolent Godzilla of 1954, and a 50th Anniversary daikaiju extravaganza. Sadly, it never really finds its feet, and, in my humble opinion, stands as the weakest of the Millennium-era. Alternatively titled Godzilla vs. Physics, the enemy this time around is Megaguirus, an enormous prehistoric dragonfly, and the deus ex machina weapon designed by the ridiculously named anti-Godzilla force, the G-Graspers, the Dimension Tide, an orbital cannon that fires miniaturised black holes. I'm willing to accept that monsters can exist despite simple gravity being a risk to their organs, that the Absolute Zero Cannon could cool something until its molecules stop moving, or that electrocution can impart Magneto-like powers of magnetism, but this is a bridge too far. Black holes are not controllable, and, by simple merit of existing, only get bigger as they consume more. And this isn't the end of the science blunders, as evidenced by the apparently stable wormhole which is created then never mentioned again, a high frequency sound coming from a few hundred metres above the ground affecting an orbiting satellite and one egg becoming hundreds with exactly no explanation. While I like the idea of a swarm of monsters, and also like the design of the demonic Megaguirus, the execution is terrible, with a boring monster battle and a strange attempt to do a bug's-eye-view by cutting frames. It just looks like the DVD is skipping. While it has some good points, these aren't enough to overshadow the negative, and the viewer's suspension of disbelief, already stretched by the premise of any monster movie, is over-extended to the point where it just collapses.


Black holes do not work that way! Goodnight!