Tron (1982)

In light of the imminent release of the long-awaited sequel, I decided to take a look back at one of the most iconic science fiction movies of the 1980s, Disney's Tron. Despite reputation, only around twenty minutes of this movie are actual computer-generated images, with the rest merely being extremely convincing traditional animation, combined to create the eye-catching and instantly recognisable style of the computer world of flat grey and bright, colourful lines. Every character (with the possible exception of Yori) is interesting to watch, whether it's the stoic Tron, the unlikely hero Flynn, or the surprisingly sympathetic villain Sark, pressed into service of Skynet's wireframe precursor, the M.C.P. The elements of faith are quite clever, with the M.C.P. looking to establish his absolute digital control by asserting the non-existence of the world outside the computer system, and denouncing anyone who still believes in the "users" as a religious zealot. Seeing the trailer for the upcoming Tron: Legacy, I was taken aback at the massive scale and epic locations on display, but going back to the original, the locales are really no less spectacular (considering the time). Hopefully the sequel can surpass the original in more than just special effects. And hopefully the passage of nearly thirty years of social progress can render a greater gender equality for the new film, and have a female character who doesn't just fill the role of "arbitrary female character".


We can only hope...

C.S.A. Confederate States of America (2004)

I must confess to being a huge fan of the genre of alternative history, though, I hasten to add, not in the rose-tinted and reality denying vein of D.W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation. However this film could almost be seen as a spiritual successor to Griffith's film, nearly a century on, this time played for satire rather than an attempt to misrepresent history. Really, it's very well written and acted mockumentary, creating a fairly plausible world in which a combination of American isolationism and saturation of the culture with propaganda have allowed people to still accept slavery as a norm. Few would argue that the America we see is a massive regression from the America of our experience, warts and all; alliance with Hitler, a pre-emptive attack on the Japanese, imperial expansionism into South America and, of course, the mostly uncontested continuation of slavery up until the present day. Sadly the historical narrative is marred by a few glaring flaws, not least the lack of mention of the U.S.S.R. (and no mention of why it would fail to emerge) resulting in a Cold War with abolitionist Canada instead, and no explanation as to how Britain would have survived a World War II with no American assistance. That being said, overall this is an extremely enjoyable film, really only marred by problems of structure rather than content. The mockumentary is broken up by spoof commercial breaks for various products, mostly real products from before the 1950s, featuring some of the hammiest and least credible (even for advertisements) performances I have ever witnessed, including the worst not-Martha Stewart in human history. It breaks the flow of the narrative and is a black mark on what is otherwise a very compelling and engaging movie.


And they still found time to fake the moon landings!

Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Never before has a mere PG-13 film ever succeeded in insulting a wider range of people. Any Christian who doesn't believe in the Rapture will see their beliefs proved conclusively wrong; anyone of any other faith will be consigned to irrelevance, unless they're one of those useful, prophecy-fulfilling Jews; humanists will lament as every single person mopes around in utter uselessness, or proves ineffective without the truth of scripture; the nations of the world will look on as events are dictated to them by the U.N., or they are said to make idiotic political decisions merely to advance the plot (apparently South Korea adopts the Euro!); movie-goers will be treated to the most boring and underwhelming apocalyptic scenario ever committed to film, poor acting, and plot elements thrown at a wall, just to see what sticks; and finally, any decent person will see those like them (as I can't see a thing wrong with most of the main cast, bar the cheating husband) have their lives destroyed on what is, at heart, a minor misdemeanour. Surprisingly, I didn't hate Kirk Cameron as much as I thought I might, but he still only shines out from the lacklustre performances of the rest of the cast. In an attempt to find something positive about the film, I'll admit that their Antichrist is fairly sinister, although it is somewhat unusual to see a skinnier version of Daniel Craig's Bond performing Jedi mind-tricks on U.N. delegates. And as a kicker, this film has one of the most repellant "broken Aesops" I have ever seen; when faced with an evil beyond imagination, that threatens the entire world, immediately stop fighting and trust to faith that somehow things will be alright. I'm not trying to belittle faith, but surely some kind of action is called for? Faith seems like more of a last resort, when all else has failed. They don't ever try fighting back against the Big Bad. No, we petty humans are just to lie down and hope that something comes along to save us. But then, what else is to be expected from evangelical Christian science fiction? Well worth avoiding.


The Rapture: Whites Only (Evidently...)

Gojira tai Megagirasu Jī Shōmetsu Sakusen / Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)

This is probably the least assuming of the Millennium-era Godzilla films (with the possible exception of Godzilla 2000), given that it stands alongside the a Mechagodzilla double-bill, a return to the terrifyingly malevolent Godzilla of 1954, and a 50th Anniversary daikaiju extravaganza. Sadly, it never really finds its feet, and, in my humble opinion, stands as the weakest of the Millennium-era. Alternatively titled Godzilla vs. Physics, the enemy this time around is Megaguirus, an enormous prehistoric dragonfly, and the deus ex machina weapon designed by the ridiculously named anti-Godzilla force, the G-Graspers, the Dimension Tide, an orbital cannon that fires miniaturised black holes. I'm willing to accept that monsters can exist despite simple gravity being a risk to their organs, that the Absolute Zero Cannon could cool something until its molecules stop moving, or that electrocution can impart Magneto-like powers of magnetism, but this is a bridge too far. Black holes are not controllable, and, by simple merit of existing, only get bigger as they consume more. And this isn't the end of the science blunders, as evidenced by the apparently stable wormhole which is created then never mentioned again, a high frequency sound coming from a few hundred metres above the ground affecting an orbiting satellite and one egg becoming hundreds with exactly no explanation. While I like the idea of a swarm of monsters, and also like the design of the demonic Megaguirus, the execution is terrible, with a boring monster battle and a strange attempt to do a bug's-eye-view by cutting frames. It just looks like the DVD is skipping. While it has some good points, these aren't enough to overshadow the negative, and the viewer's suspension of disbelief, already stretched by the premise of any monster movie, is over-extended to the point where it just collapses.


Black holes do not work that way! Goodnight!

The Italian Job (2003)

As remakes go, The Italian Job isn't a patch on the original classic of British cool. Mark Wahlberg is a fine actor, but he's no Michael Caine, and the majority of the tale doesn't even take place in Italy, making it as much a disappointment as it is a misnomer. But, at risk of appearing as an apologist for this film, if you discount its connection to the classic, and all the expectations attack to this, this is actually a fairly solid, well-acted and exciting heist movie. It's a tad convoluted, but the cast gel well together and the climactic car chase, while it does pale in comparison to the original once more, it fast-paced and tense. It was a nigh-impossible task to make this a satisfying successor to the original, and it would have been alot easier to just make a modern heist movie based around cars. But, that might have only solicited cries of "rip off!" from the viewing audience, so perhaps this project was just doomed from the start. I will admit its many flaws, though, as Edward Norton is a whiny and completely unthreatening villain, the name is a total lie, and Jason Statham doesn't perform any ridiculous but thoroughly awesome superhuman acts after snorting cocaine/giving himself a massive electric shock. My biggest compliment to this film is a rather back-handed one; it gave rise to one of the better driving games for the Nintendo Gamecube. Indeed, it had a more honest title, adding the subtitle "L.A. Heist". It's a truism that movie tie-in games are terrible, so when your tie-in game is better than your movie, you've somewhat failed as a film-maker. Especially when you go on to direct Be Cool and Law-Abiding Citizen.


You have incurred the displeasure of the Caine...

Yonggari / Yonggary (2001)

Rather oddly, the impetus for this remake of the 1961 South Korean monster movie of the same name was the critically-panned 1998 Roland Emmerich reimagining of Godzilla. The English-speaking cast and American setting were presumably to cater to the massive numbers of masochistic monster movie fans, wondering where they would get their next fix now that Hollywood's Godzilla 2: Electric Boogaloo had crashed and burned. That being said, however, if one is willing to overlook the awful CGI and sub-par acting, this has moments that are better than Godzilla '98, especially in the climactic monster fight and the practical effects used in the city destruction scenes. But to say that this is a good movie would be a complete lie; indeed, the version I watched was the 2001 re-release, made not because the original 1999 version was so well-received, but necessary because the original made so little sense that they had to add scenes, including an archaeological dig only mentioned in the original, and an entirely new character representing a cliche "Above Top Secret" government organisation to be the mildly antagonistic human. Throw in a dash of plastic aliens with incomprehensible voices, a weather system that seems to exclusively feature rainless thunder and lightning, and no actor you've ever heard of, and you get Yonggary, a sub-par monster movie, and my own pet theory for why South Korea eventually produced an exemplary monster movie, The Host, in penance.


If George Lucas remade Jurassic Park...

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes (2010)

If you've ever wanted to see a poorly done amalgamation of Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Jurassic Park, Reign of Fire and Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes with awful music and terrible acting across the board, congratulations, you have an undiagnosed mental illness. In fairness, it's only to be expected from fail-merchants at The Asylum and their forays into knockoffsploitation. This has to count among the most painful cinematic experiences I have ever had, outclassing the incredibly boring, the laughably absurd and the painfully drawn-out. It's rare I have to pause a film in order to have a bit of a facepalm and perhaps a bit of a cry. Modern inventions quantum-leap to the 1880s, recognisable actors embarrass themselves (Ianto from Torchwood and Reed from Enterprise make their old shows, flawed as they were, look like veritable masterpieces), and incredibly lazy camera work has modern road markings and "For Sale" signs lining the smoggy streets of Ol' London Town. Thankfully this film only clocks in at 84 minutes, but manages to squeeze every second full of inanity, inaccuracy and sheer incompetance.


Sweet! A house for sale with nearby, clearly-marked parking!