Tron: Legacy (2010)

From the first trailers, we all knew that over 25 years of advancement in computer technology would at least allow for a Tron sequel to dramatically out-shine its predecessor in terms of visuals, and at most would give a much wider range of computer functions for the film to explore. And while Tron: Legacy sadly fails to explore these advances, from social networking to Wikipedia, the visuals are stunning. The landscape is dark, but within the boundaries of the Grid, the digital city resembles a techno-Gotham, aided by the booming and dramatic musical score. Many of the aspects of this film seem more like updates of the original, though it could be argued that the proliferation of video-gaming was the reason for scaling up the disk-battle and light-cycle scenes to spectator sports taking place in a colossal stadium. The story isn't anything ground-breaking, essentially boiling down to another rogue A.I. trying to ruin things, though with the nice twist that it is the original Kevin Flynn's creation serving as the villain, despite appearing as an incredibly unconvincingly de-aged Jeff Bridges. Sadly the film twice attempts to surprise the audience with the revelation of the identity of a masked character, and each time it comes as no surprise at all. That being said, Garrett Hedlund does well as new hero Sam, and my hope for a better female lead is fulfilled by Olivia Wilde's Quorra. Really, this is a very solid science fiction film, with great action, some of the best 3D I've seen, and a kickin' soundtrack. Great for a belated sequel.


It's right there on his frigging chest!

Tremors (1990)

Tremors gives us a fantastic example of how a B-movie should work; a simple premise, a tongue-in-cheek atmosphere, and a strong horror concept. Arguably it could be construed as a B-movie Jaws set on land, playing on the basic human fear of the unseen yet close at hand. The monsters themselves, known as Graboids, are extremely reminiscent of the Shai-Hulud from Dune, though considerably smaller. Both creatures are attracted to the sound of footsteps on the surface and rise to attack the culprit. But its not just the monsters who make Tremors so enjoyable, but also its cast of characters who manage to transcend their archetypes and become genuinely likeable. While Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward are brilliant as the average-Joe, salt-of-the-earth heroes, the heavily armed Mr. and Mrs. Gummer steal every scene they're in. The two are essential in defeating the Graboids, and go beyond the typical redneck gun-nut stereotype, being competant tacticians who keep their cool under pressure. They are the unsung heroes of this, even recognised when Burt Gummer returns for the straight-to-video sequel Tremors 3: Back to Perfection. This film has gained cult status, and deservedly so, being that it is one of the best examples of the monster B-movie ever made. Highly recommended.


Screw the giant, carnivorous worms, take me to Jurassic Park!

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

The kindest response to this film is the simple question - "Why?" This must count as one of the most unnecessary films ever made, attempting to follow the cinematic juggernaut of Terminator 2: Judgement Day without any attempt to move to the next level. The majority is just a re-tread of T2, with a couple of humans being protected from a superior robot assassin by Arnold Schwartzeneggar, all in an effort to survive and put an end to the nuclear apocalypse. Most offensive to fans is the fact that Judgement Day was not averted in T2, but rather postponed, because Judgement Day is (to use Doctor Who terminology) a fixed point in time and cannot be changed. This not only makes the events of T2 utterly futile, but tramples all over the central theme of its predecessor - "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." Apparently that's not true, as some things are just inevitable, however hard you try. That being said, that's more an issue of continuity, and while continuity is important for a movie franchise the film itself does have some decent action pieces and practical effects. As Schwartzeneggar's last leading role it doesn't measure up to his earlier action blockbusters, but the Terminator remains one of his best roles, and his performance gives a familiarity that might otherwise be lacking. Controversially, I would argue that this film isn't even the worse in the series, that honour going to Terminator Salvation, and if you ignore the thematic issues it's actually an okay action film.


I'll be back... in a surprisingly comedic cameo in The Expendables.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

It's hard to explain why this film is as enjoyable as it is. The synopsis of "Two middle-aged men imbibe enough illegal chemicals to kill a herd of elephants while failing to complete a single journalistic assignment" hardly inspires confidence that this is anything worth watching, but this film is about the experience. The narration and dialogue is endlessly quotable, as one would expect from an adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson's work, and the cinematography artfully portrays a world that isn't entirely stable. The camera will sway and strange angles make the viewer feel slightly unbalanced, as if what you're seeing on-screen is just another level of drug-addled insanity. Both Johnny Depp and Benicio del Toro play against type as two men who seem to be tottering on the edge of self-control, and both are magnificent, delivering some of the oddest dialogue ever written with absolute conviction. The rest of the cast is surprisingly star-studded, featuring Christina Ricci, Gary Busey, Cameron Diaz and Tobey Maguire in very short roles. But when you have an ex-Python at the helm, and two multi-award-winning actors in the lead roles, you can get away with that kind of thing. The best way to appreciate this film is simply to watch it, and let yourself get swept along for the ride.


He's nice enough, as long as you tell him about the f**king golf shoes.

Daikaijū Gamera / Gamera (1965)

There are few things more glorious in this world than the epic and cheesy wonder of a decades-old rubber monster movie. They're a mire of cliches, ridiculous acting and wanton destruction, but for those not looking for high art the escapism and entertainment value is all there, wrapped up in a neat, grainy and subtitled package. Gamera is a Godzilla knock-off born-and-bred, outright stealing certain set pieces. Godzilla isn't the only thing that Gamera steals from, however, as the awakening of the monster is remarkably similar to the awakening of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, with a nuke going off in the Arctic Circle. But berating this film too harshly is unfair, as it does offer a cool-looking monster, and some dark and grim cinematography, helped by the low quality black and white film. And the most defining point is the first instance of the pivotal child character, laying the foundations for Gamera's later identity as "Friend of All Children", with a small sympathetic scene where he rescues the little boy Toshio. This distinguishes Gamera from almost every other giant monster as, while there are some consistently heroic monsters like Mothra, Gamera has a specific rule of operation, a line he won't cross even in the most dire situations. For a first outing, Gamera establishes some key themes of later Gamera films, and for better or worse led into the second biggest kaiju franchise in history, with some utter turkeys and some instant classics.


Friend to all children. With added gigantic tusks!

The Wicker Man (2006)

This is one of the funnier films I've seen in some time, and it certainly wasn't meant to be. This remake of the chilling 1973 psychological horror is lacking in all suspense, fear and drama, and Nicolas Cage's maniacal performance is at his high-goofy best. Who could fail to be entertained as he rampages around the island breaking into people houses, dons a bear suit to slug a woman in the face or express his dismay at "THE BEES!"? The cultist antagonists of the original are replaced by a group of straw feminists who worship nature for no readily available reason. And the bee motif never sat right with me - it's not terrible, but it's superfluous and adds nothing to the film. The original got by with just simple cultists. The original had strong themes of the power of faith, being turned to both good and evil, and showed a man's virtues of Christianity and virginity being turned against him in the worst possible way. Surely the islander's faith is much stronger than Sgt. Howie's, yet this is a terrible thing to happen. On the other hand, Nic Cage's character Malus is killed merely because he has a connection to the island but didn't live there. Then why not use the pilot? He brought them food (connection) and lived away from the island. It removes the best aspect of the original, and fills it with nothing worth commenting on. Nicolas Cage is the sole saving grace, and even his insanity can't elevate this above "sub-par".


Need I say more?

Postal (2007)

This is cinematic hell. A film so bad that while it's actually trying to be offensive and edgy, it ends up being offensive to the senses as it trundles through pointless scenes and crude visual toxic waste. Right from the off, with an unfunny joke about 9/11, Postal manages to plummet even further into the depths of anti-entertainment. The sole, shining highlight is a scene in which director Uwe Boll, playing himself as a Nazi-sympathising paedophile, is shot in the genitals. Even the smallest fake punishment for creating this abomination gives me enormous satisfaction. But otherwise, it's just a constant stream of racism, graphic violence, shock deaths of children, pointless drug references and terrible C.G.I. that pleads with the viewer to laugh, and the viewer is forced into a stern and Dickensian contempt, regarding the pathetic creature before him. There really aren't enough vile and contemptuous words I can use to describe this thing, it's worse than any other Uwe Boll film I've seen. The poster claims it's a "live action South Park", which is such a wrong sentence it almost pains me. South Park, while vulgar, tries to say something about the world, and uses shock humour in such a way as to make a statement, to comment on some social debate, or just to make people laugh. Postal fails at all three, and in fact causes the viewer to doubt the existence of belief in anything, society at large, or even simple laughter.


Just die already...