Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)

We're back for round two, another sojourn into eschatological entertainment. A week has passed since the Rapture and planet Earth is quickly succumbing to the evils of world peace and a single world currency. But fouler things are afoot, as the Daniel-Craigian, almost-Russian baddie Nicolae plans to have himself be declared the Messiah and thereby unite the world under the banner of a single humanist religion. But that's not important, since this film is more about evangelism than entertainment. In fact, almost every single characteristic of right-wing Christian ministry is present - Jews for Jesus (Rabbi Ben Judah finally accepts Jesus as the Messiah on behalf of his entire religion); the fatuous Good Person Test (in which one single act of lying or petty theft is enough to brand you as an unforgivable liar or thief for life); indeed the main characters seem to be one transparent metaphor for evangelical ministry. The titular Tribulation Force (a title far too grand for this tiny band) are basically missionaries; charged with spreading an impossible-sounding story to the world, and determined to do so, no matter how hopeless. Likely using their Good Person Test, which two out of four main characters would fail miserably, having spent the better part of the film lying through their teeth. That isn't to say that there aren't some good parts - a suicidal side-character gives the perfect answer to the G.P.T. - "Have you ever lied?" "Yes." "What does that make you?" "Human." But these are in a minority. Having run out of fundamentalist Christian cliches, the film even throws in a rom-com style "silly misunderstanding" that wastes around ten minutes. Even the rest of the film is a self-confessed waste, as the characters early state that biblical prophecy cannot be averted, and then spend ninety minutes trying to do so. Admittedly, this is an improvement on the original, much in the same way that chemotherapy is an improvement on cancer.


Despite pacifist and atheist leanings, this is what a Tribulation Force should be made up of!

Gojira tai Biorante / Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)

Why Godzilla vs. Biollante has never been released in the West outside of an out-of-print German release, I will never know. This is one of the best of the entire franchise, bringing some much-needed fresh ideas, some excellent monster battles, and one of the most original and impressive-looking monsters in kaiju history. Biollante herself is a genetic abomination, the result of the blending of human, rose and Godzilla D.N.A., and the result is an enormous mass of writhing vines, topped with a tusked crocodilian maw. But beyond the excellent and original appearance of the beast, there is a truly tragic story; she is the result of a father's inability to handle the death of his only daughter, and his attempt to keep her spirit alive in some form or another. This is typical of the mad scientist trope, but Dr. Shiragami is probably the most sympathetic example I have seem. But this film is not good simply based on the single central tragedy, as the humans have some great success in repelling Godzilla on their own. Ordinarily another giant monster or some kind of gigantic robot is required to ward off the atomic beast, but this time the humans are more sly. The Super X super-plane is back again, in Mk. II form, this time equipped with a Fire Mirror, designed to reflect Godzilla's beam attack back at himself, attempting to use his own might against him. When this fails, Anti-Nuclear-Energy Bacteria designed for clearing up nuclear accidents are brought in in an attempt to deplete Godzilla's available energy, with some degree of success. Finally, this film introduces us to Miki Saegusa, long-time supporting character and resident elf-eared psychic in the Heisei period of Godzilla films. As monster films go, this is noticeably less slow than some of its competitors, and both entertaining and engaging. A good balance of characters, action and special effects.


And Captain Gondo nearly manages to challenge the manliness of Captain Gordon.

Religulous (2008)

Later the selfsame year that Ben Stein released Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, stand-up comedian Bill Maher threw his own documentary into the arena. In the interest of fairness, this too is not a particularly intellectual piece, based almost entirely upon opinion and rhetoric. Indeed, Maher commits exactly the same intellectual crime as Stein in that he used a false title, A Spiritual Journey, to obtain interviews with some of the interviewees in the film. For true integrity, Maher should have openly asked these people to contribute their views to his project, and if they refused when openly and honestly offered, report that in his documentary and recognise it as a weakness that they are unwilling to throw their views into discussion. The cutting of the interviews also leads me to think that he may not necessarily be misrepresenting people's views, but certainly emphasising parts for comedic effect. This is not the right way to make an informative documentary. However, Maher's documentary is far and away the more enjoyable, mainly due to Maher's own charisma and proficiency as a comedian, not to mention his honesty about his own views (unlike Stein). His film is definitely funnier, despite its scientific or philosophical deficiency. Maher also manages to talk to the more radical aspects of the various faiths he treats with a friendly enough disposition to speak remarkably frankly (though his travelling monologues and cutaway slide shows are far more caustic). This frank and funny content is utterly at odds with the final section, in which Maher issues his call to wake up to the crises facing the world, and how we need to wake up from our religious infancy, accompanied by provocative (some might say exploitative) images of nuclear explosions and large-scale pollution, a technique as dubious as when Stein overlays his film with near-constant Communist or Holocaust imagery. Again, personal opinion plays a large role, but Maher's documentary is more competently constructed and simply more entertaining, though they share a similar intellectual content.


Not pictured: evidential backing.

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (2008)

Many movie fans will know Ben Stein as the world's most boring high school teacher, droning out his repetitions of "Bueller...? Bueller...?", but sadly there is another face to him. In fact, his most famous role as an educator seems profoundly inappropriate, given the intellectual vacuity of his "documentary". Obviously personal opinion will have a huge effect on the enjoyment of such a polarised film (and I am no creationist or advocate of Intelligent Design), but Stein's film can be torn to pieces without so much as a reference to its content. Merely its inception and construction speak to a film that is less interested in portraying information and more focussed on pushing a certain viewpoint. Its construction is the less odious of its flaws, so that's where to start. There is a slang term among documentary-makers for the incessant need to illustrate important words with a cut to a relevant image, known as a "Lord Privy Seal". This is a trap Stein falls into all too regularly, sexing up his talk of pro-I.D. scientists losing their jobs with ample shots of violence and repression from the midnight of the 20th century. But this is merely poor and condescending film-making; Stein's real crime is his intellectual dishonesty in putting together this project. A sizeable portion of the film is dedicated to building a connection between Darwinism and the "master race" ideology of National Socialism. Stein supports this idea with an extract from Darwin's The Descent of Man that is so mangled that Stein makes the quote say almost the precise opposite of Darwin's intent. Coupled with the fact that many of the interviewees (notably Richard Dawkins, P.Z. Meyers and Eugenie Scott) allege that they were told that the title of the documentary was Crossroads, unaware that they were involved in a project for advancing Intelligent Design. I was keen to see what kind of arguments that Intelligent Design handles better than the Theory of Evolution, but sadly Stein had missed out the part where a documentary needs to have something more than opinions. This film seems to manage to dishonour both the scientific endeavour, the very Intelligent Design theory that it wants to serve, and simple honesty itself.


Presenting my patronising Lord Privy Seal for Mr. Stein.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy was recommended to me as the best possible cure for my fierce hatred of Will Ferrell as an actor and comedian, and sadly it has failed to change my view. This is probably the best performance I've ever seen him give, but he was still the millstone around this film's neck, with far funnier performances coming from supporters Paul Rudd and David Koechner. I think Ferrell's main problem is with his basic thesis of how comedy works - he seems to think that the comedic value of a line increases in proportion to how loudly you say it. That being said, this film has some moments of comedy gold (though I would argue that it is far out-stripped in that department by later Apatow project The 40-Year-Old Virgin), from the a capella rendition of Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight", to the hilarious (and altogether too brief) battle against the bears. Even a fleeting appearance by Jack Black is memorable, simply because his short time on screen is largely spent ostensibly murdering a dog. This being a Judd Apatow film (sure, he's only producing, but still...), you shouldn't be surprised that every comedy actor from the early 2000s is present, however briefly - Seth Rogen, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black - though Owen Wilson is noticeably absent. Luckily, his brother Luke was available. Round off with one of the least credible screen couples since Kate Winslet and Jack Black in The Holiday, and you have a film that, while pretty funny in parts, doesn't really deserve the praise or following it receives. Playing Kansas' "Wayward Son" over the credits, while giving a real boost to the film's "awesome" factor, won't solve every problem.


In fairness, things got alot worse...

The Matrix (1999)

It's customary to comment that The Matrix is an archetype for why sequels are a terrible idea, and how a good thing can be ruined by excessive philosophy. Say what you like about the sequels, the original was and is a clever piece of science fiction, bringing some very old metaphysical questions into the public consciousness and giving us some brilliant special (and practical) effects into the bargain. While it wasn't the first piece of fiction to explore the idea of a false reality (it was preceded by decades by Daniel F. Galouye's Simulacron-3 and Philip K. Dick's Time Out of Joint), it popularised the notion, and remains a synonym for the concept. The strongest aspect of the original film, as opposed to its successors, is that the concepts are there, but it is left to the audience to discuss it, debate it, and draw their own conclusions. I defy anyone who ever saw this film who denies that, even for a second, they ever wondered if they were in the Matrix, that perhaps reality isn't so real after all. All this being said, The Matrix is first and foremost an action film, and the action is fast-paced and exciting, incorporating enough special effects to make it spectacular without removing all realism. The scene everyone remembers (and which has been parodied to death) is the lobby sequence, where nary a slab of marble is left intact after a hectic gun-battle-cum-kung-fu-fight, complete with the iconic look of the main characters. Shades and trench-coats have never been cooler.


Well... In theory...

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

As a double feature, Resident Evil: Extinction does serve to make its predecessor Apocalypse look good. Flawed as it may be, Apocalypse was undeniably a Resident Evil movie. Extinction, on the other hand, swerves furiously away from the previous films in style and setting. Before, we had the enclosed settings of the Hive or Raccoon City, but now we have a road movie of survivors making their way across the wasteland that was once the United States. Thanks to a thirty second narrative exposition, we learn that the T-virus has powers far beyond reanimating the dead, evidently able to dry up lakes and rivers, wipe the planet clean of plant life, and even allow densely-populated areas into deserts in a matter of years (five to be exact). Sensing that this makes no sense, Jill is nowhere to be seen (without even a token mention of her fate), replaced by Claire Redfield, with Carlos and comic relief LJ returning from Apocalypse. But again, this film is about Alice and her amazing fighting abilities, which now include psychic powers so powerful that she is able to destroy a crucial microchip inside the satellite that the Umbrella Corporation is trying to use to control her. But one Alice isn't enough to carry these films any more, and so we are treated to hundreds of clones of Alice appearing in the final shot, setting up the ludicrous opening scene from the sequel, Afterlife. Even as a zombie film this is subpar, far more suited to fans of Milla Jovovich, unconvincing kung-fu, and Milla Jovovich.


Take some of your own advice, Paul.