Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

I remember that when this film came out, it was the first time I looked at a Disney film and saw something that seemed a far-cry from the sugar-coated productions we are used to from the House of Mouse. Of course, this is rather foolish in that it ignores the staggering body count found in most of the animated Disney films, but here was a movie that a teenage boy could claim to attend and enjoy without the same embarrassment as admitting that Mufasa's death is one of the most formative and traumatic experiences of your life. But Pirates was and is a gem in this category, nothing particularly spectacular, but immensely enjoyable, suitable for kids with the sanitised pirate hordes, and featuring the indefatigable Jack Sparrow before he was diminished by being written as Jack Sparrow rather than a true character. The score is memorable, the humour is dark and rather adult in places, and the scenery is pretty stunning, particularly the Caribbean imperial outpost Port Royal. Seemingly endless sequels have caused the series to pall considerably, but the original is still extremely watchable, reminding us that far more important to piracy than the plundering, burning, maiming, murdering, and whoring is the freedom that comes from the open ocean. At least that is what Disney would like us all to think.

A large part of me hopes that Michael Bolton attended his own "piracy" court date dressed like this...

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

The kindest response to this film is the simple question - "Why?" This must count as one of the most unnecessary films ever made, attempting to follow the cinematic juggernaut of Terminator 2: Judgement Day without any attempt to move to the next level. The majority is just a re-tread of T2, with a couple of humans being protected from a superior robot assassin by Arnold Schwartzeneggar, all in an effort to survive and put an end to the nuclear apocalypse. Most offensive to fans is the fact that Judgement Day was not averted in T2, but rather postponed, because Judgement Day is (to use Doctor Who terminology) a fixed point in time and cannot be changed. This not only makes the events of T2 utterly futile, but tramples all over the central theme of its predecessor - "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." Apparently that's not true, as some things are just inevitable, however hard you try. That being said, that's more an issue of continuity, and while continuity is important for a movie franchise the film itself does have some decent action pieces and practical effects. As Schwartzeneggar's last leading role it doesn't measure up to his earlier action blockbusters, but the Terminator remains one of his best roles, and his performance gives a familiarity that might otherwise be lacking. Controversially, I would argue that this film isn't even the worse in the series, that honour going to Terminator Salvation, and if you ignore the thematic issues it's actually an okay action film.


I'll be back... in a surprisingly comedic cameo in The Expendables.

The Italian Job (2003)

As remakes go, The Italian Job isn't a patch on the original classic of British cool. Mark Wahlberg is a fine actor, but he's no Michael Caine, and the majority of the tale doesn't even take place in Italy, making it as much a disappointment as it is a misnomer. But, at risk of appearing as an apologist for this film, if you discount its connection to the classic, and all the expectations attack to this, this is actually a fairly solid, well-acted and exciting heist movie. It's a tad convoluted, but the cast gel well together and the climactic car chase, while it does pale in comparison to the original once more, it fast-paced and tense. It was a nigh-impossible task to make this a satisfying successor to the original, and it would have been alot easier to just make a modern heist movie based around cars. But, that might have only solicited cries of "rip off!" from the viewing audience, so perhaps this project was just doomed from the start. I will admit its many flaws, though, as Edward Norton is a whiny and completely unthreatening villain, the name is a total lie, and Jason Statham doesn't perform any ridiculous but thoroughly awesome superhuman acts after snorting cocaine/giving himself a massive electric shock. My biggest compliment to this film is a rather back-handed one; it gave rise to one of the better driving games for the Nintendo Gamecube. Indeed, it had a more honest title, adding the subtitle "L.A. Heist". It's a truism that movie tie-in games are terrible, so when your tie-in game is better than your movie, you've somewhat failed as a film-maker. Especially when you go on to direct Be Cool and Law-Abiding Citizen.


You have incurred the displeasure of the Caine...