The Wicker Man (2006)

This is one of the funnier films I've seen in some time, and it certainly wasn't meant to be. This remake of the chilling 1973 psychological horror is lacking in all suspense, fear and drama, and Nicolas Cage's maniacal performance is at his high-goofy best. Who could fail to be entertained as he rampages around the island breaking into people houses, dons a bear suit to slug a woman in the face or express his dismay at "THE BEES!"? The cultist antagonists of the original are replaced by a group of straw feminists who worship nature for no readily available reason. And the bee motif never sat right with me - it's not terrible, but it's superfluous and adds nothing to the film. The original got by with just simple cultists. The original had strong themes of the power of faith, being turned to both good and evil, and showed a man's virtues of Christianity and virginity being turned against him in the worst possible way. Surely the islander's faith is much stronger than Sgt. Howie's, yet this is a terrible thing to happen. On the other hand, Nic Cage's character Malus is killed merely because he has a connection to the island but didn't live there. Then why not use the pilot? He brought them food (connection) and lived away from the island. It removes the best aspect of the original, and fills it with nothing worth commenting on. Nicolas Cage is the sole saving grace, and even his insanity can't elevate this above "sub-par".


Need I say more?

Postal (2007)

This is cinematic hell. A film so bad that while it's actually trying to be offensive and edgy, it ends up being offensive to the senses as it trundles through pointless scenes and crude visual toxic waste. Right from the off, with an unfunny joke about 9/11, Postal manages to plummet even further into the depths of anti-entertainment. The sole, shining highlight is a scene in which director Uwe Boll, playing himself as a Nazi-sympathising paedophile, is shot in the genitals. Even the smallest fake punishment for creating this abomination gives me enormous satisfaction. But otherwise, it's just a constant stream of racism, graphic violence, shock deaths of children, pointless drug references and terrible C.G.I. that pleads with the viewer to laugh, and the viewer is forced into a stern and Dickensian contempt, regarding the pathetic creature before him. There really aren't enough vile and contemptuous words I can use to describe this thing, it's worse than any other Uwe Boll film I've seen. The poster claims it's a "live action South Park", which is such a wrong sentence it almost pains me. South Park, while vulgar, tries to say something about the world, and uses shock humour in such a way as to make a statement, to comment on some social debate, or just to make people laugh. Postal fails at all three, and in fact causes the viewer to doubt the existence of belief in anything, society at large, or even simple laughter.


Just die already...

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

Out of all of the (somewhat) obscure swords-'n'-sorcery classics, Hawk the Slayer is perhaps the most beloved. For me, this was a very enjoyable romp through a simple but effective story, perhaps not quite living up to the hype, but engaging enough in any case. Particularly good is the score, which combines the expected orchestral and epic tunes with 80's techno to create a fusion that sounds unbelievably over the top and impressive, especially during the scenes of Hawk riding his horse in slow motion in no particular direction. Of course, being the 80's, there are some aspects of truly momentous silliness, usually when the blind sorceress turns up with her magical silly string, and snow machine. The story is a classic story of vengeance, and follows a fairly expected path, although my theory for why it has endured as a fan favourite is the open-ended nature of the finale, in which Voltan's body is carried off by a mysterious and actually rather terrifying demonic entity, and Hawk and Gort ride off south to meet up with a gathering of wizards. This had the potential for a great sequel (and one was planned to be Hawk the Hunter, but never materialised), and so speculation among nerds has been rife. And as we all know, speculation among nerds is both serious business and an industrious past-time. Either way Hawk the Slayer is definitely worth a watch, even today.


Even the DVD cover has epic silliness!

The Infidel (2010)

Carving itself out a niche between the incredibly offensive (and utterly genius) Four Lions and the fond and gentle mocking of Dogma, The Infidel is the story of admittedly moderate Muslim Mahmud, who discovers upon his mothers death that he is adopted, and was really born a Jew by the name of Solly Shimshillewitz. This, naturally, sends him into an existential crisis, as he struggles with both his new-found roots and his sons betrothal to the step-daughter of a radical Muslim cleric, Arshad Al-Masri. So, Mahmud is forced to spend his time sneaking around behind his family's back, learning to be both a better Jew (so as to see his ailing birth father Izzy) and a better Muslim (to impress Al-Masri), leading to the inevitable climactic moment where his heritage comes out and those around him abandon him, shamed by his birth-parents or hurt by his secrecy. Of course, Mahmud triumphs over the sinister Al-Masri in the end, and learns to accept himself as he is, a Jew-by-birth, a Muslim-by-belief, and just another normal husband and father. Omid Djalili is really what holds this film together, as he plays both the comedy and pathos with perfect flair, truly making the audience sympathise with Mahmud's plight. My only real criticism of the movie is an extremely contrived and ridiculous resolution to the problem of Al-Masri's opposition to the marriage of Mahmud's son to his step-daughter. Suffice it to say that Mahmud either winning him over or shaming him with heart-felt words and simple decency would have been infinitely preferable. This may seem like a minimal criticism, but it's enough to sadly knock this film out of the "must-see" category, and into the "recommended", which is no bad thing. It's just disappointing. "Recommended" it is, a heart-warming and funny way to waste an afternoon.


Wait... So Benjamin Disraeli was really a Muslim?

The Happening (2008)

Rarely have I seen a horror film with a more idiotic premise and pitiable execution than The Happening. M. Night Shyamalan, once a master of the brilliant twist ending has in recent years been reduced to plagiarising H.G. Wells and writing this kind of ill-informed... well, near-propaganda. Within this film, science is attacked as only being able to offer facile "theories" rather than any kind of real knowledge, nature is exalted as "not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose", and the environmental message is as subtle as a brick to the face. Myriad shots of plants are shown with what is practically the theme from Jaws playing in the background. But, that's not to say that the film is without any redeeming factors, however unintentional. Many of the "shocking" death scenes are laughable, and it's quite near the line of "so bad it's good"... but not close enough. However funny it is to see a group of people try to outrun the wind or Mark Wahlberg negotiating with a plant, it's just not good enough. Really, the premise is so painful that it ruins any possible enjoyment - a chemical has been released into the air that removes people's sense of self-preservation. Fair enough. And I can understand how this would result in people falling from tall buildings, simply through a lack of care and wandering dauntlessly over the edge. But how exactly does that translate to suicide by gun, garotte or hair-pin? There's a chasm of difference between "lacks self-preservation" and "lacks ability to not stab oneself in the neck", and this movie plummets as it tries to surmount this broad gap.


I will murder your family!

Pulgasari (1985)

It's a known fact that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is, among other things, a tremendous film fanatic. So much so that in 1978, he charged the DPRK intelligence services with kidnapping the critically-acclaimed South Korean director Shin Sang-ok so that he could create films especially for Kim. Thankfully, Shin was able to escape his captors while in Vienna on business and sought asylum in the United States, but not before he directed seven films in North Korea, the best-known of which is the Godzilla knock-off, Pulgasari. It won't surprise you to learn that this is essentially a propaganda vehicle for the Kim family (made, as it was, when Kim Il-sung was still in power), showing the struggle of the working masses, starved by a parasitic and tyrannical ruling elite and forced to use all of their limited resources to make weapons. Now, I know what you're thinking - "That sounds familiar... Almost like it could apply almost perfectly to the Kims..." - and you'd be right. As a piece of propaganda, this film is so perfectly tailored to denounce the evils and idiocies of the Kims that you could almost be forgiven for thinking that Kim Jong-il might have been a secret dissident in his younger days. But, alas, no. It's merely ineptitude. But now someone is here to save them; the enormous iron-eating monster Pulgasari, created by a dying blacksmith out of a ball of rice. Question: why in the world would he create a monster that eats a substance that he knows very well is scarce? But never mind, eventually Pulgasari destroys the evil rulers and wins the day for the proletariat. But his incredible appetite for iron means that he too must be destroyed for the people to have their true freedom. Again, sounds a touch like the Kims, "freeing" the people, who then realise that their supposed emancipator is, in fact, just another greedy menace to their survival. A consummate failure of propaganda, and just another in the long line of proofs that Kim Jong-il isn't just losing his grip on reality, he never had much in the first place. Special dishonour to Toho for assisting with the special effects, although Kenpachiro Satsuma (the man in the Godzilla suit from 1984 and 1995, and Pulgasari himself) gets a pass for noting that he found Pulgasari more entertaining that the American Godzilla remake.


I expect a midnight visit very soon...

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

It's been a sad week for film fans, with the loss of comedy legend Leslie Nielsen at the tender age of 84. No-one can deny that Nielsen's performances in classics like Airplane! and The Naked Gun were utterly inspired and remain a benchmark of comedy up to this day. But there was another great loss this week; the man who directed what many consider (myself very much included) to be the best instalment in the Star Wars saga, The Empire Strikes Back, the late, great Irvin Kershner. So in his memory, I took another look back over Star Wars Episode V, and even after having seen it (at least) dozens of times, I can report that it remains one of the best examples of the genre, and a worthy sequel to its blockbuster predecessor. With established characters, Empire is able to continue the story and build on the foundations to show Luke's progression from a rather whiny backwater farm-boy to hero of the rebellion and Jedi-in-training, Han continuing his role as reluctant hero and space cowboy, and Vader manages to become even more sinister and begins to earn his reputation as one of the most iconic villains in cinema. It's certainly not without flaw - why would the rebels try to escape a planet by flying directly at the attacking fleet? - but both the characters and story buoy it up to the point where these are easily forgiveable. Irvin Kershner's meisterwerk deserves a place in any movie-lover's collection.


R.I.P. Irvin Kershner - 29 April 1923 - 27 November 2010